Waning Gibbous - Creature in the Night Light

I can’t let her get away.

I can’t let her escape my mind so I’m writing – thankful for her presence, being that it brought me to realization and understanding; and it also brought me to write and reflect.

Feeling guilty about being up until 3 or 4 a.m. is strange. Why should I feel guilty? Does the most disciplined person have to be he/she that goes to bed early and wakes up early? The person who doesn’t eat food late at night (and by food I mean that which doesn’t fit their standards of perfection)? The person who chooses to be alone over being with people?

Perhaps I feel guilty because I do not like my late night habit. I see myself as making poor choices for myself, and as a result I turn to self-judgment and self-expectation. This desire to be a “disciplined” person has been an estranged haunting since I can remember. I haven’t stopped striving for obedience and perfection since maybe elementary or middle school - even in high school my first thoughts of wanting to lose weight showed up, and ain’t that sad? From the beginning, I haven’t been able to achieve what I say I’m going to achieve – to obey what I tell myself I need to obey, whether it be to lose 10 lbs, to go to bed early, to stop being so emotionally driven, etc. So why is the striving exhausting if the results I want aren’t showing up? It’s because my mind is doing all the work… it’s the strivingest striver of all my organs – and while I thank my mind for being such a great great fabulous tool, it sure could use a break.

She freed me.

My heart skipped a beat as I glanced out our laundry room window and spotted a dark outlined figure against the white snowy ground – the moon’s waning gibbous glow only enhanced the contrast of the grazing figure upon the white backdrop. Not that she was scary, but she did take me by surprise.

My first thought was that she was awake at an absurd hour. I mean, who eats at 3 in the morning? (Oh wait… I do). Then I wondered why she was by herself (ah… I am, too). And then I wished for her to be sleeping (Well I’m awake).

Continuing to watch her as I folded towels, I understood what was so mesmerizing about her. She was perfection in the shape of a grazing animal, with her angular body and delicate movements. And she was awake. And eating. And by herself. How could I come to see her as a perfect joy as she was, even though she has the same habits I have? When I passed judgment on her, it quickly faded as soon as I let my eyes see her, my heart hear her.

Time, food, behavior, thoughts, everything becomes irrelevant. Her beauty is undeniable, and so is mine, I must tell myself.

Coming to that point – that moment of perfect synchronization where I feel the truth in my heart - is glorious. It doesn’t matter what I am doing, when I am doing it, and whether alone or with people; I am fine. In fact, god tells me I am great. There are no standards, rules, or expectations of/for me except for those that I give to myself. That beautiful deer was just doing what she was doing. I doubt she was emotionally eating, but even if she was, I only saw grace and beauty in her actions. When I came to view her true essence I didn’t see her as the loser-loner who wasn’t very good at socializing. I also did not see her as an undisciplined late-night rebel who must think poorly of herself because dawn is just 3 hours away and she must be up and productive throughout the day. Behind it all, no matter what we are doing on the outside, nothing masks the beauty of our spirit…

Moving forward, I plan nothing but joy, which can be experienced at every hour and second of the day. For someone who is accustomed to seeing deer every day here in the North American biosphere where deer rule by population, I am thankful to have actually embraced the present moment upon sighting her. And it's so easy, that I should not give this much more thought. 

=D

All is well.

Word Pass

Take a bite of food.
Put down bowl with food in it.
Type in XXXX to unlock phone screen.
Set phone down. Type in XXXXXXXX to unlock computer screen.
Pick up bowl and take another bite.
Keep hold of bowl with left hand for the rest of the time.
Check text message and type out a long response with just one hand.
Set phone down and go to email on computer.
Type in XXXXXX to get on email.
Pick phone back up, unlock screen with XXXX.
Type another message in response to text just received.
Use right hand to feed self again from food in the bowl.
Back on the computer, go to Facebook and type XXXXXXXXXXXX.
Get bored quickly.
Go to Pinterest and type in XXXXXXX.
Scroll for a few minutes.
Take another bite.
Pick up phone, unlock it with XXXX.
Write another message.
Back to Pinterest.
Bored again.
Go to career services account to look for jobs.
Use password XXXXXXX to access account.
Pick phone back up and unlock screen with XXXX.
Write another text message.
Set phone down and stare at computer screen thinking about what to do next.

Get tired. Close computer. Leave phone. Vow to never return.

Come back 15 minutes later. Repeat.

Marriage and the Energy I Give to it

Promises, vows, duty, responsibility, rite of passage, reproduction, and family

What if we did not consider any of these words when we humans get married?

I'm in a transition phase, where I am about to marry the boy-who-turned-into-a-man whilst dating me for seven years (we were fifteen when we became boyfriend and girlfriend - so for me, girl-into-woman). We have been engaged for almost a year now and will be having that thing called a wedding in three months.

As an engaged person - to be married that is - I have read several articles and heard from several friends their perspective on marriage. It's been fascinating really, but it has only shown me how different my view of marriage is. Call me unrealistic, but hey, we have kept a strong partnership going for 7 years and there has not been any huge bumps in the road, and in fact, not even that many minor ones. Especially that I recall in the last few years of being together. But in truth, this view I have seems so much more real to me in my reality than any other view of marriage.

When bumps came along for us, they showed up as a result of personal growth. Personal growth, both he and I know, are essential for our growth as a unit.

The words I italicized at the top, these are what people associate with marriage the most. I don't.

If I were to describe the marriage I'm about to enter, it's going to look like this:

No expectations. Support, Friendship, Love, and Intimacy, all without obligation. Adventuring. Experiencing. Growing. 

I'm in love with this man, but we do not need each other. I joyfully choose to be with him, and I don't expect him to make money for both of us, to give me children, to do the dishes, to clean up after himself, etc. People who are awake and alive, well life flows for them. The focus is on our personal growth, and as individuals, what we both want most is to awaken and keep expanding as individuals.

Here's a good way of putting it, and a lot of this ties into my spiritual beliefs, and his - if I am focusing on my personal growth and feeding my soul, physical health, and mind with love, then my perspective can be controlled about everything. Any anger or frustration I feel would be the result of me losing control over myself and others. Any loneliness I feel would be a result of me depending on others for my happiness and placing the responsibility on them to make me happy. Any hurt I feel would be me denying the responsibility for my own feelings. No one can hurt me without my permission. Any self-pity I have would be me indulging in helplessness as a luxury. (Emotion descriptions realized from reading compassionatedragon.com/emotions). The point is, I control me, and he controls himself. If we constantly analyzed each other's emotions and reactions, we're stunting our growth by forgetting to look at ourselves and learn from what we do. We love loving ourself, our god/spirit, and others.

To end, I just want to say that it is possible to be in a relationship where you do not make promises to each other and still remain happy. That doesn't mean we're going to go out and break each others hearts and accept no responsibility for it. It means we love without limitations. I'm not sure yet what he and I will say at the wedding ceremony, in the place where people typically say their vows, but one thing is for sure and the most important for us - if I have one wish for him, it is that he love himself unconditionally. There is nothing better than a heart without any burden, guilt, or shame, that faces towards the sun and glides towards it with an understanding that all in this world is perfect, we choose to be here in love, and we love our source of love more than anything. And I know his wish for me is the same, that I love myself unconditionally, because to him there is nothing more beautiful than a woman without shame, attachments, and burden, who lives knowing that she is beautiful just because of who she is - the god she comes from, that he comes from.

So that is my perspective on marriage. I feel love. I think love. I am love.

Thank you for allowing me to share. =D