I can’t let her get away.
I can’t let her escape my mind so I’m writing – thankful for
her presence, being that it brought me to realization and understanding; and it
also brought me to write and reflect.
Feeling guilty about being up until 3 or 4 a.m. is strange.
Why should I feel guilty? Does the most disciplined person have to be he/she
that goes to bed early and wakes up early? The person who doesn’t eat food late
at night (and by food I mean that which doesn’t fit their standards of
perfection)? The person who chooses to be alone over being with people?
Perhaps I feel guilty because I do not like my late night
habit. I see myself as making poor choices for myself, and as a result I turn
to self-judgment and self-expectation. This desire to be a “disciplined” person
has been an estranged haunting since I can remember. I haven’t stopped striving
for obedience and perfection since maybe elementary or middle school - even in
high school my first thoughts of wanting to lose weight showed up, and ain’t that
sad? From the beginning, I haven’t been able to achieve what I say I’m going to
achieve – to obey what I tell myself I need to obey, whether it be to lose 10
lbs, to go to bed early, to stop being so emotionally driven, etc. So why is
the striving exhausting if the results I want aren’t showing up? It’s because
my mind is doing all the work… it’s the strivingest striver of all my organs –
and while I thank my mind for being such a great great fabulous tool, it sure
could use a break.
She freed me.
My heart skipped a beat as I glanced out our laundry room
window and spotted a dark outlined figure against the white snowy ground – the
moon’s waning gibbous glow only enhanced the contrast of the grazing figure upon the white backdrop. Not that
she was scary, but she did take me by surprise.
My first thought was that she was awake at an absurd hour. I
mean, who eats at 3 in the morning? (Oh wait… I do). Then I wondered why she
was by herself (ah… I am, too). And then I wished for her to be sleeping (Well I’m awake).
Continuing to watch her as I folded towels, I understood
what was so mesmerizing about her. She was perfection in the shape of a grazing
animal, with her angular body and delicate movements. And she was awake. And
eating. And by herself. How could I come to see her as a perfect joy as she
was, even though she has the same habits I have? When I passed judgment on her,
it quickly faded as soon as I let my eyes see her, my heart hear her.
Time, food, behavior, thoughts, everything becomes
irrelevant. Her beauty is undeniable, and so is mine, I must tell myself.
Coming to that point – that moment of perfect
synchronization where I feel the truth in my heart - is glorious. It doesn’t
matter what I am doing, when I am doing it, and whether alone or with people; I
am fine. In fact, god tells me I am great. There are no standards, rules, or
expectations of/for me except for those that I give to myself. That beautiful
deer was just doing what she was doing. I doubt she was emotionally eating, but
even if she was, I only saw grace and beauty in her actions. When I came to
view her true essence I didn’t see her as the loser-loner who wasn’t very good
at socializing. I also did not see her as an undisciplined late-night rebel who
must think poorly of herself because dawn is just 3 hours away and she must be
up and productive throughout the day. Behind it all, no matter what we are
doing on the outside, nothing masks the beauty of our spirit…
Moving forward, I plan nothing but joy, which can be
experienced at every hour and second of the day. For someone who is accustomed
to seeing deer every day here in the North American biosphere where deer rule
by population, I am thankful to have actually embraced the present moment upon sighting her. And it's so easy, that I should not give this much more thought.
=D
All is well.
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